For Sh*ts & Giggles
Just Pooped My Pants.
by Anonymous
It’s Tuesday afternoon, you are rushing in between classes and finally see the sweet, sweet light at the end of the tunnel: dead hour. Thank god you think, because you have had to shit since 9 and couldn't find the time. I'm talking like you’re lactose intolerant and just had dairy, you drank your morning coffee and forgot to take your morning shit, you thought eating a fiber bar at 8 am was a good idea— you get the gist. Well look no longer for your intellectual shitting guide at USF, it is I (your anonymous author) who aims to provide you with the five best places to take a massive dump.
Image Credit: Flickr
5. Gender neutral bathrooms
A controversial ranking I'm sure, however, allow me room to explain this shart-acious choice. Many professional dung dischargers will say the gender neutral bathroom is the tropical paradise of public restrooms due to its seclusion, but nary do we factor in the circumstances of dumping your load in the gendy neut bathroom at USF specifically. Take the Lone Mountain second floor gender neutral bathrooms for example. Though seemingly a secluded paradise for shitting and farting, the long line that usually accompanies this bathroom will draw more attention to the fact that you almost just shat your pants.
Person a: how long have you been waiting here
Person b: idk like 5-10 minutes
Person a: ewwww they’re (keeping it gender neutral of course) def blowing up the bathroom.
You exit thinking you have won, but instead everyone points and laughs as you walk out with a new nickname: the gendy neut bathroom exploder.
Image Credit: Trip Advisor
Image Credit: Pinterest
4. Cowell Hall fourth floor bathrooms
If you can find the Cowell Hall fourth floor bathrooms, at least I think its fourth floor, they honestly are not awful places to defecate in. Though a little dirty, it is arguably just raunchy enough that if you did take a shit in there I wouldn't be surprised. The constant smell that lingers and the fact that it is so hard to find distracts other bathroom goers from your true motive– pooping. Some flaws I might list are that you will run into everyone you've ever met walking down that skinny little hallway. That guy who dmd you on instagram, the one person you were only friends with for the first week of school, and that girl who you accidentally keep making eye contact with in class have actually all coordinated their schedules so they are waiting as you make the walk of shame.
3. K hall
With a declining number of students, I'm sure you have all heard the ramifications of the FAFSA debacle this year, K-hall is sure to be even emptier than it has been years prior, giving a perfect outlet for your excrement. But there are two flaws I present to lower the ranking of this crapping kingdom. First the high stakes environment. The good thing about a nearly empty bathroom: no one is there to witness the crime, the bad thing about a nearly empty bathroom is that anyone could come in at any second. Which is actually pretty likely because there are many classes held in this building (in case you didn't know). Second, the temperature. Every single bathroom in K-hall, Kalmanovitz if you guys aren't on a nickname basis yet, is kept below freezing at best. Just in case you weren't stressed enough about shitting as fast as you can before someone comes into these frozen over dead silent stalls, you also have to worry about the girls (boobs for those of you who haven't seen them) making an appearance.
Image Credit: Foursquare
2. Number two
Haha… get it.. Number two..like pooping, because when you poop it's number two. Anywhooooo, dorm bathrooms. Slightly uncomfortable I know, but we all expect a poop in the dorm bathrooms if you are a first year. The fact that the dorm bathrooms are consistently busy, and that everyone expects someone to be pooping at some point alleviates the anxiety to a degree, and will humble you shy poopers. You’re in the real world now, learn to poop in public. You gotta go at some point, might as well be where you are living. It’ll bond you and your floor mates. #poopingsisters!
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1.Classy
And our final contender, the throne upon chairs, drumroll please…………..Your own damn home! I am tired of walking into a bathroom to pee, then waiting five minutes for someone to walk out with the aroma of a freshly taken shit clouding them. Let's be honest you'll probably be more comfortable, and be able to get more efficient work done if you know what I mean, Without the constantly incriminating watchful eyes of your peers.
*Honorable Mention
Deep in the hidden, quiet, ominous halls of the library lies…it. My dream diarrhea-crowned-throne. Lurking in these library halls, harbored by the ghosts of USF past… is the library basement bathroom. Chilled and preserved only for those who dare to take the journey, is secluded, quiet, almost always 100% empty. Now this final destination environment to dump a load was given to me by a trusted source, and readers (and shitters) I trust I am sending off this information to the right hands.
-Till next time, and always, for shits and giggles
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